Overworked & Underf*cked

Girls Gone Wild!!

2005-03-23T17:11:00.000-08:00

I'm off to sunny Miami tomorrow! I'm flying down there along with 7 other girlfriends for a bachelorette party (tsai again can't make it, sigh! when will we ever get to hang out with you without you scurrying to get home?!). My friend Rupal is also getting married and we'll be showing her a good time down there. I can't wait to go! Right now, it's a sunny 80+ degrees in Miami, and at the moment, it is snowing here in NJ. The sun will be a welcome change! Pictures to be posted when I get back.

City Beat

2005-02-25T11:35:00.000-08:00

I seem to have lost my New York City walking rhythm. I'm off-beat or something. Must've been all of that California sunshine. Normally I can weave in and out of pedestrian traffic on the sidewalks, maneuvering around slow walkers, gaggles of teenagers, grandmas, herds of secretaries, cellphone blabbers, all without even bumping shoulders with someone. But not today. I ran into at least four people. And did the back and forth are you going to go around me or am I going to go around you bob and weave at least twice. I am currently a danger to myself and others.

I'm Dyin' Ovah Heah

2005-02-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

I. Can't. Stand. It.

Nervous clicking around. CNN. Salon. Wonkette. Daily Kos. Google.

Aaaargh.

A Woman's Worth

2005-02-21T16:29:00.000-08:00

...my daddy-O and me

Some guys seem to be confused about what it means to date a strong, independent woman. These women are rare (and from what I'm told, even more so in OC), but they do exist, and it's unfortunate that many men claim to want one and then when they do get the opportunity to date one, they end up at a loss as to how to maintain the relationship.

For starters, you need to know how to identify one of these women when you come across her. She is a strong independant woman if she meets most of these criteria:

She doesn't create drama. When drama does occur, she cleans it up instead of prolonging it.
She doesn't spend 3 hours before leaving the house on a daily basis, and when needed, can be ready to face the world in under 5 minutes.
She's strong in the majority of these areas, and when pushed, has a strength in all of them; emotional maturity, street smarts, decision-making, logical reasoning and athletic ability.
She is able to form her own opinions on subjects and not wait for your opinion and then agree with it.
She has her own goals, and has a plan for how to reach them on her own.

If you're still reading, this woman must have matched most of the criteria above; if so, keep reading, this may help you not screw it up.

1. Yes, we're competitive. We enjoy pushing ourselves to our personal limits. That doesn't mean we want to compete against you. We're not trying to beat you, we're trying to improve us. Be impressed, not threatened. Let's face it, you're a guy which means you're naturally going to be stronger, bigger, taller, etc. We get it, so should you.

2. We love guys that are good with their hands. Odds are, we're pretty handy but if you can do it better you'll earn our admiration. If you can wire the stereo, fix the plumbing, wrench on your car, play a guitar or build something we will be impressed (and quite possibly turned on) even if you only do these things once a year.

3. Even if we don't want to do it, we can figure out how to change our oil, change a flat tire, and build our furniture so you should be able to as well.
4. Just because we CAN be one of the guys doesn't mean we always are. In fact, we love being able to go from your buddy in sweats by day to the hot girl you can't keep your hands off of by night. Unlike your buddies, don't tease us when we get dressed up. If we look good, tell us. Don't poke fun at the make up, heels or skirt if you really like the way we look.

5. If we can dress up and look good for you, it would be great if you know how to tie a tie, dude.

6. Stong confident women love sex, and aren't afraid to initiate sex. But, if you really want to turn us on, take charge in the bedroom and show us your dominant side, you won't be disappointed!

7. We're comfortable enough in our own skin that we can look at other women and think they are hot. We may even share these thoughts with you. But please note, if every time we comment on a woman you mention a 3some, we'll stop talking to you about it. We get guys have these thoughts, sometimes a little internal editing isn't a bad thing.

8. Re: #7 If the hot woman is a relative, NEVER comment on the 3some thing. Ever.

9. Did I mention we like sex? This means we usually enjoy some if not all of the following; toys, getting ourselves off, porn, and variety (positions, locations, you name it) Yep, that's right boys, if we like to push ourselves out of the bedroom, we also like to do it in the bedroom.

10. By the way, don't be threatened by number 9. Women love toys and getting off as much as men enjoy their own hand jobs, it's a release not a replacement for you.

11. We're going to have our own hobbies and interests, some may be more extreme than your tastes. Don't make us feel bad about them simply because they aren't your thing. That makes us feel awkward, and shows you're insecure. It's a turn off and incredibly transparent.

12. We realize that sometimes we seem so strong it doesn't seem like we need you. You need to trust that if we've let you into our lives we obviously do.

13. No matter how strong we are, we still cry. Hold us when we do.

14. When something horrible happens that's beyond our control to fix, odds are it will be beyond yours too, we know this, and it's OK. Just hold us and be there for us til it gets better. We don't expect you to fix it.

15. Hold our hand, put your arm around our shoulder, kiss our forehead, pat our butt, kiss our neck. Yes, we are your bud, but we also want to be reminded that we are your girl.

16. Praise us. Yeah, with the guys it's always smack talk, and sure, we can throw down with the best of them, but the occasional compliment letting us know you're proud of us is better than flowers and chocolate.

17. Don't get lazy because we aren't demanding. It's not usually in our nature to gripe, whine or moan about a lack of romantic gestures, so sometimes you guys forget that we still need them.

You asked for it

2005-02-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

...saturday brunch together. i should get used to this.

Many friends has told me that I should let my audience know more about who I am. Although I try to avoid boring people with the minutiae of my existence, I do think a little background is in order.

So here goes:

I was raised on Motown instead of classic rock. My mother is the only person in the family who penly admits to liking country music
I boast mild genetic malformations in my lower jaw and hard palate
In addition to my ability to roll my tongue
I have an unholy love affair with Norah Jones' music
And grip the ground with my toes
People who pinch me with their toes creep me right the fuck out
I moan in my sleep
I love cats and dogs, but prefer cats a bit more, but only because cat shit is easier to deal with than dog shit. Especially big dog shit. And cats eat neither dirty diapers nor the crotch from your panties
I've been coveting a large saltwater fish tank full of exotics
I am completely fascinated by jellyfish
I still want to be a marine biologist. Or a geneticist. Or a geologist. Or a peace corps volunteer. Or a photographer/videographer for National Geographic. Or one of those lucky Food Network bastards who get paid to travel the world and eat for a living
I want to be a world-renowned designer, able to leverage name recognition for ridiculous sums of money. Or a highly-paid production designer for movies
I want to make more and more money so that I can spoil my parents to thank them for raising me so well
The only part of my 30s I'm looking forward to is the part where orgasms during sex are almost guaranteed
I want a loft with massive windows in a quiet urban neighborhood. Or a large, tree-festooned condo overlooking the ocean. With massive windows and a huge deck
I drool over electronics and gadgets
I am able to quickly and easily identify the makes and models of most cars on the road today
All my cousins around my age or older lost their virginity before I did
Men like to stare at my face, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can't maintain eye contact for more than seconds at a time
Which is why more than 1 guy has complained about my tendency to fuck with my eyes closed
I don't wear polka dots, checkered patterns, or ruffles
I'd sooner don 7-inch platforms than kitten-heels or stilettos
Stupid people piss me off
I get annoyed when I refer to subjects like "Foucault", "Manet's Olympia", "Duchamp's fountain", "Ceci n'est pas une pipe", "iambic pentameter", "Schrödinger's cat", and so on during conversation, and the person I'm addressing has no idea what I'm talking about
I took a course on French gardens and loved it
I once wondered aloud what the possible lab work for my Human Sexuality class might consist of
The soft moans of a man are my personal Spanish Fly
I love wearing makeup
I never have to shave my legs
The snob in me loves international cuisine and thinks typical
American food is unimaginative crap
I make friends easily
I lose acquaintances easily because, like Bunny, I have a bad tendency to cut and run with pretty much everyone when they step out of line
Also like her, this is one of the things I'm working on
I prefer posting in bulleted lists as opposed to making coherent sequential paragraphs
And lastly, I am getting married...

What a shame

2005-02-17T13:51:00.000-08:00

http://www.penisland.com

That URL had so much promise...

Needless to say, I'm thoroughly disappointed. Oh well.

One Long Tale

2005-02-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

Sole Survivors:

...my crybaby honey & me, valentine's day!

So, as you know, I am getting married. After running around from venue to venue trying to take care of the church bookings, the reception books, finding a wedding dress I'll look good in and favours that don't suck, I'm being quite a pro at wedding event planning.

The Basics: The Mass and Ceremony will be held in the late afternoon at the St. Pat's in Manhattan. The reception will take place nearby at the Tribeca Rooftop . We will have a wonderful cocktail reception which will begin at 6:00pm and sit-down dinner to follow thereafter. After the reception, the festivities will continue at the Tribeca Grand , where a block of rooms will be reserved for the wedding party and our guests.

This insanely planning all started when I came across the dress I wanted, from the Vera Wang collection. As you all know, I have a penchant for drab colours, so my wedding motif will consist of cream, chestnut brown, with sage green accents. The bridesmaids will be also wearing Vera Wang dresses in a Chestnut brown instead of the pale green shown. Flowers will be handled by Belle Fleur New York , in an arrangement of cranberry, sage, and cream flowers. The wedding cake will be created by Sylvia Weinstock . Favours will be chocolates by Fauchon and imported from Belgium by my favourite chocolatier, Pierre Marcolini . Photographer TBA. I will not be hiring a Videographer.

Friday's rehearsal dinner at Fiamma . Sunday Brunch at the Tribeca Grill . Invitations will be in cream and espresso brown from Gala Design . Please forward your mailing address if you wish to attend.

And oh, wish us both the very best.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

The Unlucky Ex-Couples:
(we were 4 pairs of lovebirds back then. each of these relationships lasted more than four years. i don't know if it's luck but me & bri are the only one who made it through. we miss you guys and all of the fun & not-so fun times we had. images are made blurry to protect their privacy.)

(7 years - pioneer of the group)

...my ever-loving best friend/sister with

my guy best friend who happens to be

her ex, photo taken in 2000.

(she might strangle me when she sees this. :p)

(5 1/2 years)

...i feel sad everytime i think about them.

who would have thought?

(5 years)

...the ultra-sweet ex couple. sigh.

Tsai, Shy, Sigh...

2005-02-16T09:25:00.000-08:00

...t-sai, ^grinning^ i don't know what i'd do without you.
(visited her last night & brought her the cake.
still lookin' beautiful even in pain.)

T-sai, my LOVE. You are the sunny days of my life. You are the sleeves of my shirts when I shed my tears. You are the comforter I use to go to sleep. You are the chimi & morir sonando to my trips to Brooklyn. You are the ketchup to my chicken. You are the sugar on my sour powers. You are AOL to my computer. You are the chucks to my new rockstar look. You are the Metrocard to my traveling needs. You are the hoards chocolate I stuff my face with on the days right before my period. In a similar way, I cannot do without any of these things, the way I cannot do without you in my life. You are one of the strongest people I know. You've helped me through so much this past year [wow, can you believe it's ALMOST a year???] and I cannot emphasize enough just how thankful I am to have you in my life. You are the most deserving of all things wonderful and then some. I will always be here for you no matter what! I'll be here if you need someone to go with you to the hospital. I'll be here if you don't want to roam the mall alone. I'll be here to go with you to New York & Company. I'll be here when your Friday and Saturday nights look like they'll end up being boring. I'll be here to listen to on point r&b or EMO music or read Bassey's new poetry that'll make us say, "Mmm hmmmm! Amen!" I'll even be here if you need someone to scratch your butt, pick your wedgie, pick your nose, smell your armpits.. I gotchu! I love you with all the love I'm able to give a best friend. I hope that this year is more than you hoped it would be. MAYBE next year I'll let you cry... MAYBE. =)

MIND burps

2005-02-16T04:43:00.000-08:00

TEN Random Things About Me

10. I can fit my fist in my mouth. ^kidding^
9. I own 257 jackets.
8. I've had my permit since I was a junior in HS.
7. When I get to my room after my shower, I like to dance to 'Hey Ya' by OutKast.
6. I'm scared of sharks. So scared, I can't even look at the sharks in Finding Nemo.
5. I'm a total klutz.
4. I never did sex in my life. ^wishful thinking^
3. I have wandering hands…
2. I am addicted to picture taking.
1. Guitar players make me weak in the knees.

NINE Places I've Visited

9. Thailand
8. France
7. Florence, Italy
6. London
5. Germany
4. China3. Japan
2. The Bahamas
1. Amsterdam

EIGHT Things I Want To Do Before I Die

8. Learn how to play the cello.
7. Learn how to skateboard.
6. Learn how to behave. Hehe.
5. Learn how to drive a truck.
4. Be fluent in French.
3. Skinny dip.
2. Pop out a few children.
1. Spend the rest of my life w/ my one true love.

SEVEN Ways To Win My Heart

7. Honesty must be your best policy.
6. Sing to me or play an instrument for me (preferably the guitar).
5. If you're smart and love to read/write.
4. Make me laugh.
3. Cook for me.
2. If you're GREAT with my family.
1. Love me for me.

SIX Things I Believe In

6. Ghosts.
5. Karma
4. Deep down, everyone is good at heart.
3. Ka.
2. Love.
1. God.

FIVE Things I'm Afraid Of

5. Death by drowning.
4. Being alone.
3. Sharks!
2. Deep water.
1. Disappointing those I love.

FOUR of My Favorite Items In My Bedroom

4. My picture albums.
3. My make up kit.
2. My bed.
1. My computer.

THREE Things I Do Everyday

3. Breathe.
2. Talk on the damn phone.
1. Make ? .

TWO Things I Am Trying Not To Do Right Now

2. Call Xia.
1. Be online too long.

ONE Person I Want To See Right Now

1. Bri aka Mr. Rockkkstaaarr…

The grudgeful trudge

2005-02-15T11:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever done the "Walk Of Shame"? That's where you wake at dawn's first light and sneak back to your own abode after a torrid night between (on top of, or several feet shy of) the sheets. It is generally characterized by disheveled clothes (sometimes flung on backwards, inside-out, or a hilarious combination of both), smudged makeup, severe bedhead (bonus points for glitter and similar acoutrements), underwear hidden in your purse or pocket, sheet marks and drool on your face, shoes in your hand, and bleary eyes squinting in the morning sun.

These happen a lot on college campuses. In fact, the only times I was ever awake early enough to grab breakfast in the dining hall was when I would awake on the crunchy bed sheets of my boyfriend's twin sleeper with the plastic mattress and haul my tired ass back to my own dorm. The red-haired single mom who served me my hash browns always smiled at me with mischeivous twinkling eyes.

I got to know the campus maintenance guys and the security people pretty well that way, too. I knew that Benny always headed to the physical plant in his zippy little golf cart around 7AM on Tuesdays, Carlos would be checking the sprinkler pipes every morning, and the hot CampSec guy in the tight bike shorts would do figure eights in the science building parking lot on on his Trek bike at 6AM on Saturdays while the voice of dispatch crackled in his walkie-talkie. They'd always wave, big grins on their faces, and call out to me, asking how it was. "Just fine, thanks", I'd yell back, waving, my high-heeled shoes dangling from my left hand, feeling a twinge of embarassment coupled with smugness. We developed a fun and amusing familiarity.

And there was the one time I overslept and had to go to Organic Chemistry lab in platform heels with my panties stuffed in my pocket. There I stood, hunched over a lab bench, peering cautiously through my nerdy lab goggles, willing the occurrence of complex chemical reactions while bedecked in tight jeans and a glittery, low-cut, cleavage-baring top. Mascara smudges make it hard to see the digital readout on a scale, by the way. When I knocked over a beaker full of solution and instinctively reached into my back pocket to grab my lab towel for cleanup, my lab partner took one look at the lacy black scrap of fabric I pulled out. "Gross", she muttered. Sor-ry.

I met a lot of people on my walks of shame. There were the one-timers who walked very quickly, hands thrust deep in their pockets and heads hanging and eyes cast downwards in their attempts to ignore those around them as if that would make us all disappear. Then there were the people I'd repeatedly run into, making their own pilgrimages back to the dorms from whence they came. We'd exchange suspicious looks, slight waves, big grins, and on the odd occasions, 2 strangers passing in the wee hours would burst out in gleeful laughter at the ridiculousness of it all. I never knew their names, but whenever I saw the tall guy with purple hair working student security at campus parties, he always let me in for free. The green-eyed bottle-blond from Sunday mornings would always give me extra fries at the Snack Shop. And the cute Italian guy would always blow me air kisses across the commons. In turn, I made their fountain milkshakes extra thick, and doubled up on the quantities. We had a good system going, we strangers of the early morning light. We never truly met, but they always felt like my friends.

Walks of shame were perfect opportunities to reflect on the night's activities. 'Will I be doing that again? Probably. With him? Perhaps. In that place? Absolutely not. It smelled like stale beer, bong water and cigarettes. ' As the images tumbeld in my mind, I would reflexively tense up below the belt, and smile. Just a little. And enjoy the sound of the tiny round birds chirping sweetly in the trees. And I would bask in the relative silence around me, clear my mind, let out a sigh of contentment, and appreciate the breathtaking beauty of the dawn breaking just beyond the tree-lined periphery of the campus.

What the fuck?!?

2005-02-15T08:52:00.000-08:00

He had the nerve to call me! Again. On Valentine's Day, no less. And he left a message that distinctly included the words "please call me."

I'm tempted to send him a text message along the lines of:

You had your chance, you let it go. Deal.
Now why would I waste my time doing something like that?
I've moved on; I suggest you do too.
Fuck right off. Enjoy your freedom.
Day late, buck short. Boo-fucking-hoo.
http://www.match.com
I'm sure an asshole like you can snag another pretty, sexy 25-year-old in no time.
Piss off; I'm ignoring you for a reason.

To every one of my ex-lovers

2005-02-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

Don't flatter yourself.

Most of the things I said while between the sheets with you were lies. I'm not generally a liar; in fact, I insist upon truth at most times. I know it does not absolve me of my deception, but understand that I said these things to placate your insecurities, because I knew that your performance depended on my stroking your ego more than it did my stroking your dick. Confession is good for the soul, however, so allow me to clue you in on how spot-on-- if oftentimes cruel-- my thoughts have been with regard to you and your obvious-to-everyone-but-you lack of sexual prowess:

When I said it was an OK size, I swear, what I really meant was "I've had bigger. In fact, they were all bigger. Are you going to fuck me or write me a note, Mr. Golf Pencil?"
When I said it was deeper than anyone's ever been, what I really meant was "Please stop it. You're bruising my cervix."
When I said you last really long in missionary position, what I really meant was"I'm through counting ceiling tiles. Can we wrap this up already? I need to do the dishes. Thanks. "
When I said it tasted amazing, what I really meant was "I'm amazed I'm able to supress my gag reflex and not hurl in your lap, Mr. Asparagus-and-Gasoline Smoothie."
When I smiled wryly in between licks of your cock as you moaned loudly, I was really grinning because I wanted so badly to laugh out loud at the ridiculously loud, animalistic sounds you were making.
When I said it happens to every guy, what I really meant was "I'm not at all surprised it happened to you. For the 5th time. In as many hours."
When-- at your request-- I said "Yeah, spank my ass red, Daddy", what I was really thinking was how long after the sex was over did I need to wait before I dump your freakish, incest-fantasy ass.
When I pulled your head out of my lap and silently mouthed the words "fuck me", what I really meant to say was "Enough, already! You don't take direction very well, an it's painfully obvious you'd need a map, a GPS device and a huge neon sign at the destination to find my clit. Let's just skip to the next step, okay? Here's hoping you can at least find that."
When I said I wanted you to cum on my tits, what I really meant to say was "Please don't jizz all over my nice sheets. Those stains are really hard to get rid of. Which you'd know if you ever did some goddamn laundry. That, my friend, is why I have no desire to fuck you at your place."
When I saw you tearing open the Magnum XL condoms, I smiled. Not because I was impressed by your sheer endowment, but rather because I was amused at how incredibly delusional you were.
When I said your touch was too much for me and brushed your hand away, what I really meant to say was "It's a clitoris, not a fully-threaded hex bolt; it doesn't need that kind of torque to manipulate it. Be gentle or hands off!"
When I cut our kiss short and whispered that I want you now, what I really meant to say was "Good grief, do you kiss badly! Let's just skip to the main event, shall we?"
When I said I had an impending early-morning meeting so you couldn't stay over, what I really meant to say was "What a letdown that was. Please just get the fuck out of here so I can erase you from my memory and get some sleep. But not before I spend some quality time with my vibrator."
When I vetoed sex and said I was feeling too hot to cuddle with you instead, what I really meant to say was "Your lack of personal hygeine is appalling. The thought of any part of you contacting me at this stage repulses me. It's enough to make my skin crawl. Stay on your side. If I'm lucky, you'll figure out on your own that it's not gonna happen and leave of your own accord. That way, I don't have to be the bad person. Just make sure to figure it out quickly, so I can start burning my sheets before the ick takes up permanent residence here."
When I said I just wanted us to be friends, what I really meant to say was "Be thankful we don't have friends in common, so no one you know will be aware of how abyssmal you are in the sack. Be thankful I was enough of a lady to neither spoil the moment nor hurt your feelings by being blunt. Do us both a favor and stay the hell away from me until you learn a thing or two."

Now if only I could work up the nerve to send this letter to each and every one of you.

Voila

2005-02-13T19:29:00.000-08:00

To those who have asked for my picture, I present to you the following:

That's me, right beside the naked guy. I'm the one lying down.

Get a room!

2005-02-10T17:37:00.000-08:00

So I'm in line at the deli, and this couple ahead of me start holding hands.

"Aw... how sweet!", I think.

Then they start looking at each other and smiling.

I smile too.

Then they start putting their hands under each other's shirts, and moving them upwards in circular motions.

...Huh?

Then they turn to face each other, and start grinding their bodies against one another. She lifts her right leg up and rests her upper thigh on the outside of his left hip, and he cups her ass and lifts her off the floor. They stick their tongues out and start some seriously deep french kissing.

Whoa.

Then, she throws her arms around his neck, he leans over to grind his pelvis against her jeans, and uses his left hand to grab her boob.

What the fuck???

Who knew that cold cuts, rainfall, muddy floors, and irate customers could turn people on so much? It was gross. They stood there, kissing with their eyes open, smacking and drooling, pulling at each other's clothes and moaning. Moaning! In the company of at least a dozen other adults. She's pulling at his perm-curly dishwater-blonde mullet, and he's licking the corners of her open crimson mouth while ogling the ass of the perky brunette who ambles carefully past them.

I stare at the two of them, a mixture of disbelief and disgust on my face.

The counter clerk asks for their order, and then politely asks that they refrain from such unbridled public displays of affection. They're in a public place, after all. And all that saliva flying around couln't possbily be sanitary, I imagine. The guy gives the clerk an earful as his woman, her left arm wrapped around his torso, tugs at the fly on his jeans with her right.

Cla-ssy, man.

I hate people like this. I hate the half-shirted ex-Motley Crue fans in acidwash jeans who walk around with their hands in each other's back pockets. I hate the pimply, force-ripened teenagers who take any public queueing necessity as an opportunity to play a slobbering game of tonsil hockey. It bugs me when the 2 champions of obviousness sit on a bench at my favorite park, in full view of everyone around them (kids, dogs, geese... eveybody), covered from the waist down with a blanket while he fingerbangs her and/or she gives him a handjob. We're not stupid, fuckers. We see you. Get a goddamned room, you selfish assholes!!

Congratulations on your sex life. Really. But please, for the love of all things holy, leave me-- an innocent and passive bystander-- the fuck out of it.

Back on the market

2005-02-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

We're lying naked in my bed, basking in the afterglow as the sunrise trickles in through the blinds. We've been awake almost all night. We've been kissing, cuddling, and sighing contentedly for the last hour. He couldn't have picked a worse time to come clean about his feelings.

I never imagined him to be tactless. But I realize now that he's just a selfish asshole in good-guy shoes. "I need to be honest with you". Jeebus effing Christ... I knew it was too good to be true. And so it begins. "I really like you, I think you're an incredible girl. I enjoy hanging out and going places with you, and I love making love (??) with you. But if you want more than that, something more meaningful, like a boyfriend, then I can't do that." Wait one hot minute. Who said anything about committment? It's only been a few weeks - calm down. "I'm still aching from the lack of sex in my marriage, and my subsequent divorce made me gun-shy. I'm really enjoying my freedom right now, and I don't want to be tied down. You're a really sweet girl. I don't want to end things with you. In fact, I want to keep seeing you regularly and keep on being intimate with you, and if you're not comfortable with the sex after this, I understand. If you want to keep it platonic, I understand. But I still want to be with you; I still want to have conversations with you. I still want to go out and do things with you. I just won't ever be your boyfriend."

That makes no sense whatsoever.

How is being a boyfriend different from continuing to go on dates, take walks while holding hands, kiss in the movie theaters, make dinner together, and have sex on a regular basis? Enlighten me. Is it the title instead of the role that you're uncomfortable with? And why the sudden urge to purge? I never even brought it up. Stop projecting your insecurities unto me. And I was of the impression we were just dating. Sure, I had thought there was the possibility that it could evetually become something more. But that's down the road, and still he jumped the gun. And it immediately got me thinking that I'd be wasting any time I spent with him from here on out.

"Please don't hate me," he says. He starts tearing up. I wipe his cheeks. He looks at my face and strokes my hair. "I'm never going to see you again, am I?" he whispers. I do not answer. Instead, I turn over, and stare at he door. He puts his arms around me, pressing his bare chest against my bare back like he has done many times, and he asks me to re-consider. We lie there for what seems like forever, our past exchanges and scenarios playing inside my head. I'm looking for where it all changed, and I cannot find it. He plants soft kisses on the nape of my neck, and he will not let me go. "Look at me. Please... look at me." I turn my head, he strokes my hair, and says he wants to remember what I look like. My eyes are burning in my head, and I feel the tears welling up.

I ask him to leave.

His shed tears may have broken my composure, but I refrain from releasing the floodgates until the moment he walked out my door. I may be granite on the outside, but inside, I'm very vulnerable. And he hurt my feelings. I can't discount that. Ever. I will never forget this ill-timed exchange. If we stay together, it will never be the same, so we're better off parting ways. He can't expect me to provide the intimacy and companionship he craves and not expect anything in return. I'm not that altruistic. I can separate sex and love, but I can't invest my time into someone I know deep down will never care about me. A one-sided relationship might suit his needs, but it just isn't good enough for me.

And I lay there, crying hot tears that burn crimson paths down my cheeks, because I have always known I will never be good enough for any man I've ever met to truly love me. "The kind of girl you don't take home". Not needy enough. Not co-dependent enough. Not enough submissive Virgin to counteract my Whore.

The next time you meet a woman you connect with, if you know you won't allow it to go anywhere, refrain from speaking in "we" and future tense. No "We've got to do that". No "I'm gonna take you there". No planning. No setting up expectations. Keep it strictly in the present. Don't focus on anything long-term. But if you do, do not be at all surprised if she thinks there is even the slightest possibility that it just may become something... more.

Ah, well. The upside to this aborted pseudo-relationship is that I finally got a reasonable, first-hand answer to the ass question. Apparently, it has to do with the high concentration of pheromones in the area. And, according to him, my ass tastes "savory, like pot roast". Um... okay?

An antidote to the boobage

2005-02-06T19:11:00.000-08:00

PenisFest '05, baby! (NSFW)

Boo-yah!

2005-01-13T08:52:00.000-08:00

And he spake unto the gathered masses and sayeth "Let there be booty". And it was good.

"C" worked like a charm! Congratulate me.

Now repeat it six times.
There... that should about cover it.

Epilogue: My legs feel like Jell-O™; you can imagine how hard it was to commute today. I barely got a wink of sleep, so I can hardly keep my eyes open. Oh, and I have to go write apology notes to all my neighbors.

What will you have on your tombstone?

2004-07-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

Create your own

My neighbor is a 'ho

2004-07-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

She has a long-term boyfriend. The cute, muscular one who spends every weekend with her and her little brat, takes them out, babysits that snot-nosed terror of hers, cleans up, cooks, and even takes out the trash. The guy who made a good gesture of tolerating her ex when he blew in like an ill wind to perform his bi-weekly child custody dance.

A pretty nice guy, it seems. She's cheating on him. And how! In the last 2 weeks, I've seen her with 3 different guys, all of whom went on to spend the night. There may have been more, but I only saw 3. The latest sighting was a couch-displayed, lights-on, mid-cunnilingus startle caused by me walking past her wide-open front door. Charming.

I feel so bad for the guy, putting up with her shit (she screams obscenities at him all the time, and bitches about the things he doesn't do to please her) and nasty chain-smoking habit, and treating her like she's the most important person in the world, while she makes no attempt to hide her infidelity. It's like she wants him to catch her skanky ass.

What in the hell...?

2004-07-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

Can you identify these market items? Are they fish? Or are they penises?

You know what...

2004-07-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

...would impress me? Evidence that you're part of the small-- bordering on minuscule, really-- percentage of the general population that doesn't irritate the the living shit out of me inside of a few sparse hours.

Wishful thinking?

2004-07-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Is it too much to ask that the people in charge actually know what the fuck they're talking about? I mean, really.

How can one make proper command decisions unless one knows what it's like in the trenches? How can a director figure that a whole e-commerce site built in 2 days by one person is a realistic expectation? How can you be the director of marketing and creative services if you've never done a lick of creative work in your life, and can barely even turn on your fucking computer?

Suffice to say, I don't get it.

Why are you in charge again?

Date Update

2004-07-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

So it (sort of) went as planned. There were several hitches, but he was good-natured about it. We laughed a lot. We talked relatively easily for a first-time meeting. The awkwardness was minimal, and pretty much gone by hour 2. And he was such a gentleman that he e-mailed me this morning to tell me he had a lovely time. And we've made tentative plans for next weekend.

Wonderful, right?

Except I don't think I'm very attracted to him.

He's a bona fide geek. Make no mistake about it. And that initial spark just wasn't there. You know how they say a girl knows in the 1st 5 minutes whether or not she'll ever sleep with you? So true. And I didn't once feel that.

If what I want is care and adoration, can I put the sex aside and be happy with just companionship, or will that constitute leading him on?

And I don't know what words to use to reply to his e-mail. I want to stop overthinking everything, but I don't know if I put aside my analytical neuroses, that any eventual outcome will convince me that I held them for a reason.

Fuck, why is life so fucking complicated?

Sigh

2004-07-09T17:54:00.000-07:00

Some days, I wish I could just set people on fire.

Fuck the double standard

2004-07-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

A willingness on the part of a good girl to fuck you on the first date does not translate to her being a dirty whore. Get the fuck over yourself, yo.Besides, she didn't fuck herself. You were involved too, asshole. If she's a whore, what does that make you?

Specialized clocks, apparently

2004-07-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

This guy I know has fucked 147 people. He's my age. Who has the time it takes to fuck 147 people? He must get up really early in the morning. And if your number's really that high, how in the hell do you keep track?

Hey, you!

2004-06-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you. stop reading. I told you already this was private. Keep dropping in and I'll pull this whole damn thing, I shit you not.

The common experience

2004-06-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

Why is it the guy I have the most in common with is someone who's exceptionally off limits, recently moved out of town (just as we were getting to know each other), and will never regard me as anything but a friend?

I need to stop longing for men I can't have.

Take your relationship and shove it

2004-06-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

My friend chewed me out for calling her at 9:56 one night. Like, not even 10 yet, right? Apparently, in their household, they go to bed early. Well, sweetheart, before you and him moved in together -- you know, in the heady glory days before you systematically alienated all your friends by being so unavailable, so distracted, and and so wrapped up in your relationship... the days before you started the near-constant complaining about how few close friends you have now compared to before... remember those? Yeah, me neither-- you never went to bed before midnight, so screw you too.

Sex? Yes, please.

2004-06-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

There are all these blogs about men not being able to get any sex from their SOs, and they complain bitterly about it. Completely understandable. What I don't get is why women withhold sex.

I, personally, love to fuck. If I were a guy, I'd be hard all day.

If I were to write down the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis, I'd have priests sprinkling holy water on me and demanding that the lustful demons that inhabit my body be cast out.

And even as a 20-something female who loves to fuck, I have difficulty both finding and getting partners. How is it that the libidinously gifted don't often meet each other? If I had a boyfriend like that, we'd be having all sorts of crazy monkey sex, the sort of sex where you wake up the next morning and realize there was indeed a wet spot, and, oh, by the way, your panties are hanging from the ceiling fan, all the time. I'd be so enthusiastic that he'd beg me to let him rest for a few days. And on the rare day that I'm not up for a full-on romp between the sheets (on the ground, up against the fridge, in the shower, sitting at my desk, whatever), nothing gets me (or him) off quite like a Damn Good Blowjob. I love (love!) giving those. My technique makes *** weak in the knees, and I'm damn proud of it.

Back to my original point: why do women withhold sex, and why do men allow them to? If I were married, and my husband refused to give it up, you'd best be damn sure than I'd have a wandering eye. I wouldn't be able to stay with him very long after he started withholding, either. I'd divorce his ass and go get me some of the good stuff from whomever I damn well please so quickly, it'd make his head spin. Who wants to be with someone who is so unwilling to compromise on so vital an aspect of a functional relationship? I couldn't do it. And if I felt stuck in the marriage for whatever reason, valid or otheriwse, I'd cheat. Plain and simple. I wouldn't cheat to get revenge, I'd cheat because I like to fuck and I can't at home.

Jeebus. All these posts about sex... I seriously need to get laid more often. Hahaha!

A note to horny suitors...

2004-06-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

FYI: An effective way to worm your way into a stranger's bed does NOT involve the liberal use of the phrase "When the hell am I gonna hit that?".

NBA 2004 Finals can suck it

2004-06-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

Fuck Larry Brown, fuck Detroit, fuck the Pistons, fuck Rasheed Wallace, fuck Rip Hamilton, fuck Ben Wallace, fuck Chauncey Billups, fuck the referees, fuck Phil Jackson, fuck Marv Albert, fuck ABC, and fuck the NBA 2004 Finals.

Free G-mail!

2004-06-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

Free G-mail accounts for the next 3 persons to ask for them!

On implants and demureness

2004-06-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

Funniest damn thing I've read all week:

"Girls who say they get implants for self-esteem are bullshitters. If I could get a dong implant I sure as hell wouldn't be doing it to feel better about myself. I'd do it so I could wear the gayest, tightest fitting shorts Old Navy has to offer, and then go swimming in the mall's water fountain in front of the old people. Otherwise, if I'm not gonna impress elderly women with my junk, why would I want any extra meat stickin' to my leg when I jog down to blockbuster to rent pornographic anime?"

- shibbymcgrizzles, on Fark.

Dry spell, begone!

2004-06-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

My dry spell has ended. Boo-fucking yah!

Eh, for all I know, the new one could have just begun.

Unique polarity, I suppose

2004-06-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

I am, apparently, the living embodiment of "loser magnet". Frightening.

...

2004-06-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

Blah.

Just... freakin' blah, man.

Miss Manners never touched shit like this

2004-06-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

Guys... want to impress me? Start by learning how to WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS after you use the bathroom.

Many thanks.

A question for the ages

2004-06-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why am I attracted to the same old losers, time and time again? I haven't the patience for another feculant cur to treat me like dirt in a semi-relationship. I'll pass on this whole dating thing too, thanks. What's left?

2004-06-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

I need to cheer up. I need to be less negative. I need to believe that some measure of optimism can be realistic. I need to squelch my pessimism.

I need, I need. But do I want to? That I do not know.

2004-05-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

Friday night was a first.

Saturday night? Was a little exciting, but a little odd.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out if I'd like to parlay Saturday night into tonight. I'm not even sure how. Logistically, it makes very little sense. But that may be me overthinking as usual. I want to, I really do, but I'm not sure. But will I ever be sure? I don't know. Will it be an opportunity I'll regret passing on? Again, I don't know. But I really, really want to. I just cringe at the thought of the possible rejection.

2004-05-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

Judging from what my friends doing the online dating thing say, I think it's rather odd that guys who resort to the internet to find new girlfriends can be so damn choosy. More often than not, my friends get dropped because their pictures weren't appealing to the guy. People, my girlfriends are not at all ugly. I guess the open-buffet style of dating makes people not feel bad about sampling the tiniest bit before throwing the whole thing away.

2004-05-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

Y'know, I really wish those women who can orgasm "30 to 40 times! OMFG! LOL!" in the course of one round of sex would stop fucking bragging already.

2004-04-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

If you were in an office building with 200 other people, 70% of whom are men, 96% of whom don't wash their hands after they use the bathroom, wouldn't it sicken you to imagine all the disgusting genital detritus that accumulates on all the frequently-touched surfaces, such as door handles, coffeepot, copy machine, etc.?

I'm not a germophobe, but shit, is it too much to ask that a group of adult males rinse the cock off their fingers after they finish touching themselves in the bathroom?

I'm gonna start wearing a pair of surgical fucking gloves from now on.

2004-04-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

"Only lesbians drive Subarus". Not quite. I drive an Impreza, and I've never dined at the Y.

I do notice an inordinate number of lesbians friends I've had who drive Subaru Legacy/Outback wagons, Toyota Rav 4s, and VW Passats. I wonder what that's all about. I guess people will attribute any trends to a commone thread, no matter how slight.

2004-04-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

My life sucks.

I've had silent moments to reflect upon the changes I've been through; the rough hands I've been dealt; the bullshit I've had to swallow, and the sacrifices I've had to make. After I mentally conclude that I've come too far to give up, I'm overtaken by doubt. What am I fighting for? Can I win? Can my dreams actually come true?

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. It's just that... well, I'm human. As strong as I am, I have my moments of despair, when hope is snatched out of my reach, and I've but a thread to cling to. It's tough being so far removed from my support system. Recently, I've had a much harder time believing in myself and my ability to live through this and come out on top.

My life is a mess. It is slowly unraveling. Where will I go? What will my options be if I fail? I'm lost, and I'm scared.

I'm this close to losing all hope. If that happens, what is to become of me? I do not know.

2004-03-31T18:40:00.000-08:00

I hate SUVs. Hate 'em. And the yuppie cocksuckers who buy them.
I don't care if it offends you; I hate them.

That said, I would very much enjoy this model of SUV becoming popular.

2004-03-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

So, the people here decry the iTunes Music Store because they claim the artists get such a small cut of the money the track costs the consumer.

Why is Apple under attack? Why not the Music Industry, the ones who sue their own consumers and screw their own artists?

I don't get it.

Also, I don't buy it. Until I can watch "Cribs" and not see some talentless jagoff bragging about his solid-gold ceiling or his $350,000 worth of bling-bling, or flossin' his ridiculously over-customized SUV, I'm not readily going to accept that major-label artists are poor. Call me crazy.

2004-03-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

My little sister just offered me free VIP tickets to the Britney Spears concert.

I guess I should feel a little guilty aboutt how loudly I laughed in her face.

2004-03-09T17:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, a picture alone is worth a thousand words.

2004-03-08T16:51:00.000-08:00

I freakin' HATE rubberneckers. Buncha DUMBASSES!

2004-03-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I wish I could to eat sushi and shellfish every day.

Imagine, a feast of toro, unagi, sake, ebi, saba, maguro, kani, hamachi, tekka maki, buri and a side of ice-cold oysters with horseradish, a sqeeze of lemon, and some cocktail sauce... heaven.

2004-02-20T16:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder out loud if one of the requirements for being a Customer Service Rep is that you have to be a giant flaming asshole beforehand. Like, you have to be an unrepentant shitpig to the point that you inspire homicidal thoughts in complete strangers.

I gotta wonder sometimes.

2004-02-19T22:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Yuppie Cocksucker in the Suburban:
Please don't wedge your gas-guzzling behemoth in the compact spot in such a manner that the compact driver on your right cannot get into her fucking car, you huge flaming pile of shit.
Many thanks!
The pissed-off woman who accidentally/on purpose dinged your paintjob.

2004-02-18T13:10:00.000-08:00

Now I'm not so sure. I want to, but this whole thing is kinda creeping me out. But I really want to. But I'm not sure.

2004-02-13T15:25:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you were convinced that the purpose of your life was to serve as a warning to others?

2004-02-09T12:02:00.000-08:00

I just read an entire discussion thread about what it's like to be a new Mom...

I'm SO gonna adopt. Yick.

2004-02-06T22:36:00.000-08:00

I weep for what the current Administration/Dictatorship has done to the American dream.

I don't even remember what freedom and prosperity felt like anymore.

2004-02-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

The official Janet Jackson emoticon, according to several weblogs:

(*Y.)

2004-01-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

I got junk mail from a pet spa. Pet spa; I shit you not. Like, my cat leads such a stressful life, right?

Massage? Pedicures? Aromatherapy? Dude, SHE SHITS IN A BOX. I don't think she gives a flying fuck about relaxation and meditation.

2003-12-31T12:48:00.000-08:00

¸¸¸.·][·.¸¸¸¸¸ßroOkLyN ßridg3¸¸¸¸¸.·][·.¸¸¸

2003-11-27T23:11:00.000-08:00

Never, ever confuse "The Shit" with just plain "shitty".

2003-11-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

I swear, I have enough cat hair in my carpet, on my clothes, in dark recesses of the bathroom, on the kitchen floor, buried in the couch, in my hairbrush, festooned throughout my linens, and floating in the air at my apartment to knit a whole 'nother cat.

I swear, once the hot weather comes back and she doesn't need it for the whole 'keeping her bony ass warm' thing, I'm gonna shave her. A nice, feline-military buzzcut. Especially around the aforementioned bony ass, where it seems to grow like tufts in an old man's ears.

Heh. When I do that, I'll figure out a way to post pictures here.

2003-11-09T14:21:00.000-08:00

Anyone who gives noisemakers to young children to play with early on a Sunday morning should be brutally ass-raped on live TV.

2003-11-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

I made a new friend. :-)

2003-11-05T17:19:00.000-08:00

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
--Greggy
--Tim
--Tsai

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
--Failure
--Spiders
--Rejection

THREE THINGS I LOVE:
--Spanish guitar melodies
--My family
--My catTHREE

THINGS I HATE:
--backstabbers
--Being sad
--Never getting enough sleep during the week

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
--The popularity and proliferation of Assholes and Jackasses in Modern Society
--The desire to engage in extreme (read: bone-shattering) sports
--Intolerance

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
--A zillion or so hand-written reminder notes
--laptop
--20 oz. bottle of Diet Cola

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
--Listening to Internet Radio
--Ovulating
--Aching from yesterday's workout

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
--Live the bratty life
--Travel the world
--Leave my mark

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
--Organize almost anything
--Make things look better
--Vector-graphic animation

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
--Intelligent
--Driven
--Strong

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
--Ride a Motorcycle
--Surf
--Compromise myself just for a relationship

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
--My voice
--Internet Radio
--"Teardrop" by Massive Attack

THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD EVER LISTEN TO:
--Other people's bullshit
--Self-Impressed politicians and public speakers
--People who insist that their tatoo(s) didn't hurt

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
--Sushi
--Barbecue
--Ethnic cuisine

THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
--Surfing
--Traditional dance: Swing, Tap, Jazz, Salsa, Merengue, Samba, Tango, Foxtrot, Waltz, etc.
--How to love myself more

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
--Diet Cola
--Coffee
--Spring Water

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCH REGULARLY:
--Survivor
--Iron Chef
--Family Guy

2003-11-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

Shameless plug for a non affiliated site:

Skyworks makes the most yummy-smelling bath products. And it's cheap! Snooty-boutique beauty bars for 1/10th the price. What more could you ask for? Go. Buy. They take PayPal.

2003-11-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

Brian Molko of Placebo has a voice that makes me shudder.

In a good way. You see, Brian's got this thing that's gone missing in most trendy music: talent. To put it simply, the boy can sing. His voice is easy on the ears. And him being easy on the eyes helps, of course. Stare into those baby blues and tell me you're not haunted.

Go watch the new video for their single "Simple Needs". 'Til the end, damnit. You're welcome.

2003-10-29T23:37:00.000-08:00

I hate my (now ex-) landlady.

To put it mildly, I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

2003-10-28T16:29:00.000-08:00

Anne Coulter is crazier than a shithouse rat.

I kid you not, the bitch has lost her fucking mind.

2003-10-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

My head is strong, but my heart is fragile.

Also? I worry. A lot.

2003-09-30T23:36:00.000-07:00

You know you're busy when you don't have time to masturbate, and can't remember the last time you did.

2003-09-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Motor Car Company,

There isn't a single pizza delivery guy in North America who drives a spankin' new BMW to deliver his pies.

Not one.

Sincerely,

Class Act Jane

2003-09-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

Scietists find world's oldest set of genitals.http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99994175

Somehow, I don't think it sacreligious or insensitive to throw Strom Thurmond's name out there. Which would be funny, except for the whole him being dead thing.

Eh.

It's Monday.

2003-09-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

Re-reading my most recent posts, I realize that my emotions have been all over the place lately. But nobody notices it, because nobody reads this (my blog, a.k.a. my emotional purging grounds) but me. I wonder if that roller-coaster movement of my feelings (trying to steer clear of cliches here) is a bad sign.

I hope not.

Of course, just by including the the word "hope", I have doomed myself.

Bah. Can I get a do-over of the last 7 years? If I could have, I would have done a lot of things differently. "If I knew then what I know now", and all that...

Hindsight, 20/20, etc. Cliche, cliche, cliche.

I'm done.

2003-09-18T16:44:00.000-07:00

I thought of people who have left my bathroom stinky. Big apartment + stinky bathroom = unhappy conjecture. Then I remembered that this never came up when my aunt and Mom were visiting. Unstinky relatives made me crack a smile.

*Sighs*

I miss my family.

*cries a little*

A guy from the gym just called, asking for my best friend Tsai. He had signed up temporarily, to use the gym while he was here for a week visiting me. I laughed a little.

I miss my friends.

*cries a little more*

Sometimes, on top of feeling like a fraud, I feel like I all but cling to my meager existence, and I do it all by myself. I feel like my choices have betrayed me, and I have let myself down before I even started. And then my cheeks flush, my eyes water, my spine tingles, and my heart hurts ever so slightly more than it does every day now.

I never knew what crying on the inside felt like until now.

2003-09-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

I was reading an unconventional online journal today. A self-confessed geek professed his feelings for a (very sweet, apparently) girl with whom he spends a lot of time. She makes him smile. She makes him lunch. They do uncomplicated activities together...

I feel so sad now.

*Gloom*

2003-09-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

I found a cat toy in my gym bag. At the gym. (A fellow patron looked at me holding it aloft, puzzled, and remarked, "left the bag open, did ya?". I smiled back at her.)

It's amazing how much a simple, random, and infinitely amusing discovery such as this can lighten up one's day.

Hee!

2003-09-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

I swear, if one more thin-skinned bitch in customer service expects me to know the jumping-thru-hoops procedure she has to endure on her side, and thinks that I must submit my request with a heavy dose of sympathy, I am going to reach through thru phone and strangle her.

How in the eff am I supposed to know what you just went through to get me that quote? You can explain, and I can most certainly sympathize, but I'm not gonna know that beforehand, you imbecilic twat. Stop feeling so fucking victimized. Honey, I'm a total stranger. I don't know you, and I don't give a squirrel's left nut that you're having a bad day. Especially not since you've been so incredibly huffy and rude to me. I pay you for a service, and if you don't want to provide it, find another line of work, okay?

Needless to say, she totally fouled up my mood. At the end of the freakin' day, too. Sniveling bitch.

Grrrr....

2003-09-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

To all the straight men in the world who are chauvunistically critical of women in general, calling them "batshit crazy", money-grubbing airheads, wastes of good air, worthy of nothing but giving blowjobs and submitting to anal sex; to the XY-chromosome set who feel that a woman in a bad mood= bitch= menstruating, and especially to all the assholes found here: http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=645338,......

you've alwasy had a choice. http://www.gay.com.

Never let it be told that we didn't give you macho fucktards options. If women piss you off so much, spend your quality time with the men, since they're apparently better company than we are.

Fuck you all.

And no, I am NOT on my period.

Asshat.

2003-09-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you....

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is really important that these four men don't know each other.

2003-08-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who, when Beck was at the height of his popularity, listened carefully to his lyrics and subsequently thought he was nuttier than squirrel shit? I am? Never mind, then.

2003-08-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

When I read the many and varied online journals of people living in NYC during The Great Blackout of 2003 who bitched and moaned about the harrowing ordeal of that simple inconvenience, my first reaction was to silently mouth, "shut the fuck up, you whiny crybaby.

"Things have changed since then. Now, I yell instead. "Shut the fuck up! You whiny crybaby!"

Try living through a hurricane in the third world. Try going without a shower for 2 weeks. Try catching rainwater and boiling it before consumption because the groundwater is polluted by the remains of animals and people who drowned in the rivers and dams. Try going for a month without electricty, doing homework by candlelight, cooking on an outdoor coal stove that you have to squat on the ground to use because there's no gas, and having to cough up a bribe to get the electric company servicemen to turn your power back on after every other street in the neighborhood had light except for yours. Try being unable to get a message of your safety to relatives in other parts of the world concerned for your well-being for 3 weeks because the phone lines had fallen to the ground.

Try any of those things, and let me see you bitch about one fucking day without electricity ever the fuck again.

2003-08-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

Things I am thankful for:

Opposable thumbs
Internet (including File sharing, Blogs, BBSs, High-speed access, and IM)
Digital cable TV with all the movie channel
ice cream
Chiraz, Corona, and Patron Silver tequila (and bartender friends!)Smoked turkey legs
Cold doggy and kitty noses
Duckies swimming and quacking away at the pond
My very vocal walking hairball of a cat whom I love very much
Air conditioning
My oomfy bed
Macs and optical mice
Cat loaf! (hee!)
Scented candles
Pacific sunsets and wetlands
My awesome family & best friend Tsai
Lime popsicles
Near east wild rice and longrain rice mix (rice, in general, is good stuff)Sushi (especially all you can eat)
Good buds and killer buzzes
Warm water showers

2003-08-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

My feet are swollen. Is it possible to have edema when you're not knocked up? See, I didn't know that either.

2003-08-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

Also? Kudos to the person who first introduced me to the word "foomfed". As in, "...her body wedged into the shoebox, the cat's long fur foomfed out all around her". Hee! Foomfed!

2003-08-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

Wheee! Cat loaf! Heee!

2003-07-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

Is it so bad that I have a fascination with carnivorous plants?

They're just so FUCKING cool, man!

2003-07-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

My heart hurts so much.

I feel like a broken person.

If anybody loves me, I need to hear it right now. But I know that I won't. And that makes me just want to cry and rock myself to sleep, since no one else can do it for me.

I am so friggin' alone.

2003-07-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

Never, EVER, under any circumstances, use an electric toothbrush as an experimental vibrator.

Owie.

Walking today's gonna be tricky. Very tricky.

2003-02-27T15:28:00.000-08:00

I am the perfect example of what happens when the Odds beat You.

2003-02-17T22:56:00.000-08:00

I am a misanthropic grouch.

I expect a proxemic bubble six feet in diameter from strangers, and library silence after 11PM from my asshole-ish, loud-ass-motherfucker of a neighbour. Is that so wrong?

2003-01-31T16:43:00.000-08:00

I am so unhappy.

And I blame myself for not trying hard enough

2003-01-29T17:27:00.000-08:00

Wah. Blah. Sniff.

That pretty much sums up my day/week/month.

It's a wonder I'm still here.

2003-01-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

I am not alert, animated, aware, bouncy, bright, brisk, bubbly, buoyant, cheerful, cheery, gay, jaunty, lively, spirited, sprightly, sunny, vivacious, airy, animated, blithe, bouncy, bright, bucked, buoyant, caffeinated, cheery, chipper, chirpy, contented, effervescent, enlivening, enthusiastic, glad, gladsome, hearty, high, hilarious, hopeful, jocund, jolly, joyful, light-hearted, merry, optimistic, peppy, perky, pleasant, roseate, rosy, snappy, sparkling, up, upbeat, winsome, zappy, zingy, or zippy.

So don't expect me to be all Little Miss Mary Fucking Sunshine. I got yer good mood right here, pal.

2003-01-28T15:16:00.000-08:00

"People who live in glass houses should have sex in the basement."- Thanks, ham! (www.randomwibbles.com)

2003-01-23T18:00:00.000-08:00

Last night, I developed a sickening crush on Robbie Williams, after seeing him on "MTV Cribs". The boy is SMOKIN' HOT!!! Hoo-boy! I lurves me some adorable Brit bad-boy with a snarl and a shit-eating grin, yes I do. I even had a dream about him last night. Creepy, no?

Don't tell the mister.

2003-01-22T11:45:00.000-08:00

"It drives me apeshit when I don't feel other people are valuing my time. I won't tolerate people being late to meetings, I won't sit in a meeting that isn't productive (yes, I will just get up and leave) and I don't mess with the time of others. At the same time, I will and can be very patient if I feel that something is worth waiting for - I guess I just have a clearly developed sense of that worth."

Well said, mulberry.

2003-01-18T14:42:00.000-08:00

Forgive me for saying "Fuck you".

My name is "Might Have Been". My name is "Never Was". My name's "Forgotten".

Courtney speaks the truth, man.

2003-01-13T19:59:00.000-08:00

We eloped today.

The ring feels weird on my finger.

I have gone from an "I" to a "We" in one fell swoop.

I'm scared shitless; I don't know the first thing about being married.

I'm thinking getting married while you're unemployed is not necessarily the brightest idea.

But, it was what we wanted to do.

Wish us luck! .